The Gottman’s Four Horsemen: Recognizing and Repairing Destructive Relationship Patterns
Our relationships can be some of the most fulfilling and comforting parts of our lives. Maintaining a healthy connection with your partner begins with understanding the communication patterns that either nurture or harm your bond. In the field of relationship therapy, Drs. John and Julie Gottman are pioneers, known for their decades of research on what makes relationships succeed—or fail. One of their key contributions is the concept of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: four destructive communication behaviors that predict relationship breakdown. Recognizing and addressing these patterns is essential for building a lasting, resilient partnership.
What Are the Four Horsemen?
The Four Horsemen refer to communication habits that Dr. John Gottman identified as strong predictors of relationship failure. These behaviors—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—can erode connection and trust if left unaddressed.
1. Criticism
Criticism attacks a partner’s character rather than addressing a specific behavior. It often starts with phrases like "You always..." or "You never...," framing the problem as a personal flaw.
Impact:
Repeated criticism damages self-esteem, fosters resentment, and creates emotional distance between partners.Healthier Alternative:
Use a gentle start-up. Focus on your feelings and specific behaviors rather than character attacks. For example:
"I feel unheard when we don’t talk about what’s bothering me," instead of, "You never listen to me."
2. Contempt
Contempt is the most damaging of the Four Horsemen. It involves treating your partner with disrespect, sarcasm, ridicule, or mockery—implying moral superiority.
Impact:
Contempt erodes trust and emotional safety, and it’s the strongest predictor of divorce, according to the Gottmans.Healthier Alternative:
Build a culture of appreciation and respect. Regularly express gratitude for your partner’s efforts and strengths to counteract negativity.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a way of shifting blame or avoiding responsibility when feeling criticized, often escalating the conflict rather than resolving it.
Impact:
Defensiveness blocks effective communication and deepens misunderstanding, leading to unresolved issues.Healthier Alternative:
Practice accepting responsibility, even for a small part of the conflict. Owning your role creates space for more productive dialogue.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when one partner emotionally withdraws from interaction, often by shutting down, becoming silent, or physically leaving the conversation.
Impact:
Stonewalling creates emotional distance and leaves the other partner feeling ignored and unimportant.Healthier Alternative:
Take a break. When feeling overwhelmed, step away to calm down, then return to the conversation with a clearer mind and greater emotional regulation.
How to Address the Four Horsemen in Your Relationship
The presence of the Four Horsemen doesn't mean a relationship is doomed—but recognizing and addressing these patterns is crucial for healing and growth. According to the Gottmans, replacing destructive habits with healthier alternatives can dramatically improve relationship satisfaction.
Steps to Begin Repairing Communication:
Self-Awareness:
Reflect on your communication habits. Notice when you criticize, act defensively, show contempt, or stonewall.Practice New Patterns:
Intentionally use the antidotes: gentle start-ups, appreciation, responsibility-taking, and emotional regulation.Seek Professional Support:
If negative patterns are deeply ingrained, working with a Gottman-trained couples therapist can provide expert tools and a structured path toward healthier, more connected communication.
Moving from Disconnection to Deeper Connection
The Four Horsemen—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—are clear warning signs of relationship distress. But with empathy, intention, and practical strategies, couples can shift away from destructive patterns and build stronger, more fulfilling partnerships. Healthy relationships require ongoing effort, open communication, mutual respect, and emotional safety.
If you and your partner are struggling with these challenges, reaching out to a Gottman-trained therapist could be a transformative step toward strengthening your relationship and creating a future rooted in trust, understanding, and connection.
About the Author:
Daniel Moultrie, LMFT
Daniel Moultrie, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist here at California Couples Counseling · Fresno.
Daniel’s areas of specialty include:
Relationship Issues, Entrepreneurs, Depression, Anxiety, Men’s Mental Health, Couples, and The Gottman Method
Sees clients at CCC Fresno, CCC Online, and Fresno Family Therapy
